all I want in life
is a big ass happy family, a job teaching English, and a library the size of a mall.
Too much?
my anger
is really funny. Every time I get mad and freak out, it’s an out of body experience, and I’m not exaggerating. I actually get so mad sometimes that I scare myself. I remember this time I WAS SOOOO MAD AT MY ROOMMATE and I took a jar of that Goober PB&J and threw it at his door. I was so PISSED because it didn’t break! Like WTF HOW HARD DO I HAVE TO THROW IT? WITH A CANNON? LIKE SERIOUSLY. I came back into the room pacing and Beau was staring at me with big eyes and looking so scared. He kept asking me what was happening and I started laughing and crying. Then I took a mallet and slammed it into the wall on our staircase. I mean, whatever, we’re not getting our deposit back, my roommate already PUNCHED A HOLE THROUGH HIS DOOR. But afterwards I was freaked out. What if my anger was directed towards Beau? Meh, I would never hurt him. It’s not possible. He’s too beautiful.
Although Beau and I are distant right now, I must say his calm and reasonable attitude is one of the many reasons I love him. One night a few weeks ago I was SO pissed off and science knows what, and I said to him, “Beau, to understand what I’m feeling you need to think of the thing you hate the most in life and imagine it’s swallowing you in.” I laughed so hard when he sat in the drivers seat trying so hard to think of something he hated, and after like 10 minutes he gave up. My boyfriend doesn’t hate anything. He is so neutral and this is exactly why we were perfect. I can’t stay mad around him because he doesn’t get mad.
Not trying to sound cliche or whatever, but this is exactly why marijuana should be decriminalized (at least). When I smoke, it’s not even possible for me to get mad. I sleep better. I rationalize. I get my thoughts in order. I think it would be impossible for me to get as mad as I do when I am “sober” while being high. Everything is beautiful and I’m so carefree. Especially when I would be with Beau. His laugh is infectious and he curls up in a ball laughing and even if whatever he is laughing at isn’t funny to me personally, I am rolling because of his laugh. How can you not laugh at him? He’s fucking amazing. AND RIGHT NOW I CAN’T SMOKE BECAUSE FUCKING DRUG TESTS AND JOBS AND FUCK EVERYTHING
sigh
I never keep a posts I write anymore. I am always on tumblr but I never post anything. I’m in South Florida, alone, without my boyfriend. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days, or barely, a few texts here and there. We went from sleeping next to each other every single night to not talking at all. I’ve been reading a lot in order to ignore the inevitable. I am sad that things turn out this way, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I love reading so much. I forgot how much reading keeps me from being in tune with the real world. Right now I forced myself to get away from my books to face reality. Reality sucks. I want to be characters within my books. What I do know is that things get better because I have been through this a million times before and oh how I’m not ready for the pain… but I am looking forward to it being over.
This is life… and it goes on. Whether I want it to or not.
I have to say…
I had a really bad day at work. Well, a bad day in general. But as I was driving home I realized soon I was going to see my little family consisting of my boyfriend, my puppy, and my cat. I changed into my pjs, let my hair down, and made dinner. My baby came home with all smiles… Kissed me, ate dinner, and now we are laying down catching up on shows that we can only watch on our roommates Netflix because we are too broke for cable.
My life is sweet right now.
